"Dada ke paas"

I was just walking back from the Accounts building. Its a beautiful day... I love winters..

They have a happiness in sadness...
I was reminded of something today. Something taht probably happened back in 94 or 95! Its been so many years...

My nana died in 94 - the first death in my family. I was 9 i think. It was.. awkward and weird. I dont register deaths very well. Leting go of people .. putting closures - its a tough spot for all of us isnt it?

I obsess about people dying -i cant stop talking about them. i cant stop thinking about them, their voices, their love, their existence, the last moments... it takes quite some time to collect myself. I guess we all deal with deaths differently - i freak out.

Lately, after a friend passed away, it has made me more .. thoughtful about my death. My aakhirat. I hope she finds peace and prosperity in her afterlife, AAMEEN.

I hope when i die, i am ok with it - i wanna be ok with death from now on - coz it can happen any time to any one of us. I hope i fill all my days with love and happiness and generosity for myself and those around and i hope i am able to reach out to people. to extend my hand.

Sometimes, i feel so cut off from the person i used to be, i cant face my old friends or people i knew. Its too hard. I'd rather start over.

Karachi for me is a sad place- a place with so many memories, i doubt i'll enjoy the place anytime. The sea shore depresses me. The people make me feel.. trapped.

Khair, so my nana died and i had little cousins... a lil cuz must be 4 or 5 i think. He really missed my nana (or his dada :) They were moving to the U.S. after nana's death... i remember vividly my cousin telling me, all excited and bubbly, "main America ja raha hoon, dada ke paas!" thats what his mom told him i think.. he was so excited! I hope he didnt remember this when he got there, boy, he would have been disappointed.

Children are so naive! They make me cry sometimes - kya pata aagay kya hai :p I wonder if someone looks at me that way, like a child, and excalims, "Issay kya pata!" :p